Of Eyeliner and Hello Kitty
by We oughta buy you a Cadillac
Summary: A series of emails, texts, & normal story format cover this AU story where Claire wants to stand out, Massie is an eyeliner abusing rocker kid, and the people that have the misfortune of meeting them. OoC!
1. STARTING THE MADNESS

**To: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**From: Claire Bear**

**Subject: …School.**

**E**hmahgawd, Massiekur, I have school tomorrow. Or is it today? It's 4:00 in the morning and I keep forgetting to open my eyes again when I blink so it's okay if I'm a little confused. But, I can't go to bed, I'm too scared.

Now, I know we only became online friends recently, but I know that we are both 15 because of your profile (which has a fab background, btw!), and I'm just now starting high school.

I don't know if you are a freshman, or whatever, but _**I NEED HELP!**_

You see, massiekur, the problem is I want to stand out. And with my current wardrobe (Blame my friend, Alicia), it's just not going to cut it. Everybody dressed like me in the middle school, and it'll be the same way in high school. Blah, blah, Ralph Lauren, Gucci, Juicy, BORING!

I've been looking for ways to stand out all night (and morning, too), and I can't find any except for _emo_, and I_ don't want to cut myself!!_

**To: (contacts: Claire Bear)**

**From: Massiekur**

**Subject: RE: …School.**

…**C**ool it, Claire, k?

The only thing you should worry about right now is going to bed before going to school _today_.

Did you miss that whole lecture I gave you yesterday? Cutting yourself does not make you emo, crying does not make you emo, great music taste, awesome hair, and some tight jeans make you emo, my friend!

I have plenty of ideas to give you, I can't guarantee you'll like them, though. I mean, I do get in trouble a lot for ingenious ideas-- people say they are _too evil._ AS IF.

If you do agree to this, you will need five gallons of hair spray, eye liner, bows, and quite possibly an iguana.

And, probably your parents permission, because this could either go really good…

Or pretty bad, actually.

Talk to you latah, it's past my bed time, babe.

xoxo

**End: Prologue**

**So, this is basically a fan fiction between primarily two characters, Massie & Claire. They don't go to the same school, blah, blah, we'll get to that later.**

**And, as if anybody even cares, I don't own _The Clique._**

**This is going to playfully poke at emo, scene, chav, prep, and any stereotype you can think of. Even those weird 'normal' people, too. ;) This is not a serious fanfiction, so whatever if you choose to hate, which just makes me famous.**


	2. HOLY ROBOTS & HELLO KITTY!

I was just casually browsing about the internet, (_who said anything about porn?!_), when a conversation window popped up, my eyes flickered to the message. My eyes drawn to the text, I wasn't surprised when I found out it was a certain pen-pal friend thing of mine.

_Massiekur: _Claiiirreeee! I have the perfect solution. I will inform you after a dramatic silence!

**ClaireBear: **No time for this nonsense, it's time for me to rant!

_Massiekur: _RANT, THEN. RANT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

**ClaireBear: **You really are ruining the dramatic approach I was going for. Way to be a kill joy, Massie.

_Massiekur:_ Well, don't mind me. I'll just sit here while you complain about your first day, then.

**ClaireBear: **…How'd you know that?

_Massiekur: _I'm psychic, that's how.

**ClaireBear: **You totally just read my blog on myspace.

_Massiekur: _Maybe a little of that, too.

**ClaireBear: **Anyway! I'm getting off topic, so here I'm going to provide for you -in great detail!- the horror that was my first day.

_Massiekur: _…I don't like the sound of this.

**ClaireBear: **So, it was starting off as a fine day, okay, that's a lie, no it wasn't. So anyway, I was sitting there in my first period class trying my hardest not to fall asleep which reminds me of last nights adventures and I want to punch you in the face for keeping me up.

_Massiekur:_ You know you liked it, babe.

**ClaireBear: **fkgjdlfg**. **No. Just…no. BACK ON TRACK. There is absolutely none of my friends in my first two classes only this creepy boy who kept staring at me. I mean, I know I was looking _fabulous_ & all, but…in retrospect, I probably should have hid his corpse better, at the end of the day.

_Massiekur: _??

**ClaireBear:** And then this boy was sooooo cute, like times 10, showed up and he was so cuteeee. He had beautiful brown hair like tree bark! A blue eye the color of toilet bowl cleaner! And, my personal favorite eye; THE GREEN ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THAT LITTLE GREEN MSN MAN. I like that one because the MSN guy told me where to put the bodies.

_Massiekur: _I will assume you're joking, RIGHT? And I will ask: How is that a bad thing?

**ClaireBear: **He sits next to me, & he was soooo mean! I was all: _How's it going? _He was being a mean poo-poo head and said _Stfu, I'm sleeping._

_Massiekur: _The nerve of him!

**ClaireBear: **I knokjhkjhksjhg

_Massiekur: _…Claire?

**AUTO RESPONSE FROM **_**CLAIREBEAR: **_Oshi-- FBI'S HERE

_Chat session terminated._

* * *

**Claire's Room**

**5:34**

I grinned, that had been fixed fast, the FBI would never believe poor, little, innocent Claire Lyons was involved in that brutal ass kicking of the babies. MWAHAHAHA.

…I should probably do that with the door shut, I'm pretty sure my mom just gave me a look that said, 'CALL THERAPIST.'

I frowned, no matter. I was not bothered, until I discovered my msn had been uninstalled! Oh, the horror! The inhumanity of it all! Hey, sounds like my food is done. Yayyy. Be right back, mind.

K, I'm back.

I thought I should in form you that I have just burnt my tongue on a hot piece of pizza. Said pizza is now sitting in my stomach being digested. JUSTICE IS SERVED, BITCH.

I wander back to my laptop, because I am a computer nerd, and I see several messages from Massiekur. I remembered that I left without saying anything, so I open up the internet browser while frowning at my nails. Seriously, who knew sharpie came off nails so fast?

I type up my email, and yes, if you are a snoop, I will allow you to read it to see the fabulous mailer that is CLAIRE LYONS! Cue cheering, please.

**To: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**From: ClaireBear**

**Subject: GOOD GOD, CALL THE WAAAAMBULENCE**

**Sorry, I won't go into details, but yeah. Necessary precautions were taken (no, you don't want to know what I'm talking about). Anyway, after gorgeous freaky eyes boy made a cock block against me & himself. Wait, paradox? **

**Anyway, I was like: -frown.**

**And he was like: -snore-**

**And then I realized that his pants were tighter than mine, and I was like, well, Mr.IHaveNiceLegs, you can gtfo my classroom. I think I said that out loud though, because then the teacher looked at me kind of funny.**

**And then, I realized I had the rest of my classes with Alicia and I was like, "You best be joking, dude." But it wasn't (not sure what **_**it**_** is yet, however…) and I had to suffer with Alicia Whatsherface.**

**That was my terrible day, but on the plus side, I have more classes with Kristen & Dylan. Yayyy**

I then clicked send and then the message went through cyberspace. I figured with a message as epically long like that, it would take Massie awhile to reply to that. I frowned when I f5'd the page a little later and then the little inbox thing was there.

I wish Massie went to my school. I mean, how kicking rad would that be? We would be those bad-ass delinquents and meet other delinquents and form a club. Or maybe I've just watched the Breakfast Club too much.

**To: ClaireBear**

**From: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**Subject: RE:GOOD GOD…**

**Okay, anyway after your little **_**disaster**_**, shall we say, I did a little research for you, k? If you were serious business about looking all different, I have just the trick! I'm going to teach you to be **_**scene**_**, alright?**

What in the world was scene, anyway? I frowned, setting my sharpie down that I was touching my nails up with, (black, for your information) and did a quick Google search.

Good god, how much hair-gel, hair spray, …_bows_ does a person need? But they did look nice, the hair was stellar, anyway. I'm not sure Judi would approve of this hair… but what she didn't know can't hurt her.

**To: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**From: ClaireBear**

**Subject: RE:RE:GOOD GOD…**

**So, I was doing a Google search 'cause I'm awesome like that, and Google was like: What do you want to search for?**

**I was all: Scene, bitch.**

**And it was like: kay.**

**And anyway, it looks fabulous, amazing, and **_**expensive.**_** But, minor detail because I don't care anyway. It's not my money -insert evil cackle here-.**

**These people dress pretty odd too, and they are like, supah skinny. HELP ME MASSIE, YOU AMAZING ROCKER KID, YOU.**

And they have really weird names, too, I added in after thought. _BriannaBRUTALITY? _What the hell kind of name is that, anyway? She sounds like she's going to bust a cap on you, or something. I frowned, these scene kids are weird.

I noticed a particular trend with them, they had either peroxide blonde hair or it was raven black but both had -commonly- streaks of random neon streaks in their hair. Making them succeed in 'I'll dress how I want' or 'I'm too much of a pansy to be goth'.

I shrugged, whatever, it would make me stand out, there are none of these kind of kids in my class.

My hair will become horribly damaged from this disaster, but oh well. I returned to my inbox because I was positive Massie would reply by now, because she is a bigger computer nerd than I, shhh.

**To: ClaireBear**

**From: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**Subject: RE:RE:RE: GOOD GOD…**

**Wtf, don't call me a rocker kid, thank yew. **

**Back on subject here, yes they do dress odd, which means if you get the hair then you have to get the clothes, because if you don't that makes you a poser. Possibly the worst insult, **_**ever.**_

**So, everyday or so, I'll give you a new tip on how to be scene, 'cuz you don't want to show up one day to school and be all BAM, HELLO KITTY IN YER FACE, DOOD.**

**Everybody would be like, 'what?'.**

**So, what you should do now is go print off a picture of some scenester you like, but don't copy it exactly. That would be not so stellar.**

**GO, GET YOUR HAIR, WOMAN. **

* * *

So I did what any self respecting girl (I mean woman), would do. I went to the hair salon and stared at that guy who did the hair. What was his name, anyway?

So, I was staring at him for a good five minutes and I think I started to freak him out a little bit because it was my _I'm going to eat your babies _stare.

So, after a couple of more minutes like that he said "C-can I help you?"

"Yes, Yes you can. I want to get a hair cut," I could feel the plastic of Mommy's credit card in my back pocket, and I was calmed again. "I have a picture, that should help, right?"

He nodded and said, "Okay, well, why don't you come back here in an hour, al--" He stopped fast, and I really wish he could see the expression on my face right now. I think it was an awesome combination between the formally used baby face and my _I think I'll go slaughter your family._

He looked nervously at the old ladies that were talking together about whatever old ladies talk about. Although, I did hear one old lady say, "Whatevah, bitch. Skull Crusher is way bettah than yo' stupid _Toe Stubber_."

Then, he grabbed my hand and rushed me over to one of the chairs before any of the old ladies could notice. I looked at my picture once again. I did, honestly, like the hair cut, the bangs were blunt across the front, long strands of hair framing my face, and a whole bunch of spiky hair and shiz in the back.

The hair guy who had lots of little black heads on his nose (ew.) looked at the picture suspiciously, as if believing that I had brought this photo in to trick him on what I really wanted.

Then he settled down, "Okay, you want rock star hair." I frowned, no I was quite sure I didn't.

"No, I want _scene _hair." He just shrugged and rolled his eyes, how professional. And then he got to business cutting my hair. I was nervous, mostly because …dear god what if I ended up with a mullet…?

My worrying ended soon enough when he was done cutting my hair. I distracted myself during that boring process by naming the pokemon, and I'm pretty sure I was looking kind of dazed so he started waving these scissors in my face, and it was probably not the smartest idea, because, I act under impulse a lot, and let's just say nobody has ever backed out of that seat faster than I have.

So, I backed out, right into a bottle of hair-dye. I naturally started screaming, I mean what was _hair dye_ doing in a hair salon?

I'm not sure what color it was because he immediately jumped up and shoved me head into a sink that he just filled with water. I was still screaming, and flailing around and sputtering around in the water when he took my head out and I punched him in the face.

"FUCK YEAH!" That wasn't me, that was an old lady, actually. I told you there was something shifty about them.

Anyway, back to the complete hair disaster, I looked in the mirror and my bangs, and the very top of the hair framing my face were dyed black.

I frowned, but it didn't look different from other scene kids so I shrugged, whateverrrrrr.

So, the guy looked at me warily while holding his nose, which may be broken. He said it would be free if I didn't tell his manager about the little traumatizing accident as it will be forever called.

The old ladies applauded me when I walked out, and I was pretty proud of my self, I opened up my silver RAZR and saw a text

**DON'T FORGET TO GRAB SOME HAIRSPRAY, BOWS, MASCARA, + EYELINER, BABE.**

I laughed and walked casually into the department store and went to the hair department and the elderly people in the store gave me weird looks and I flashed them a gang sign. That was probably the best part of my day.

Once my shopping was done, I returned home, stealthily wearing my hat around my mom who would scream and make me live amongst the mole people if she saw my hair, which looks fabulous.

I emailed Massie again.

**To: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**From: ClaireBear**

**Kk, I have some fantastical hair, and it looks amazing. Total A+. I'm pretty sure I know how to do the make-up, but I'm going to go poor if I have to use a bottle of mascara everyday. ):**

**Disasters at the hair salon, long story short: I have black bangs now.**

**Anyway, I should probably do my homework, now. Lame-o teachers. **

**xxx**

**_And that is the first serious chapter. Or, I guess… not serious, eh? LOLOLOLOL._**


	3. I enjoy mugging little boys

Nothing really mattered about what people thought about my hair, in my opinion. I wanted to stand out, and I wanted to like myself while I was doing it.

So, I was getting ready to chill with my homies (it's still cool to say that, right?) in my drivers car, and I had the partition up so the creepy pedophile driving the car couldn't see me. The man is seriously creepy, I mean I look at him and his moustache just screams, 'CHILD MOLESTER'.

I've seen the way that man drives extra slow around the park, he just scares the bajesus out of me.

ANYWAY, I stayed up for a little trying to think of the _perfect_ outfit for my hair. I am actually happy to say that I did pick out a kicking rad outfit. I'm pretty sure this shirt is my brothers.

I look down at it, _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_, yeah, definitely my brothers, It was cute though, and almost ob_scene_ly (ha-ha, pun) tight on me, which is a good thing, I guess to every body in my school. And, I was totally rocking some supah skinny jeans picked out courtesy of Alicia Whatsherface! _The girl is good for something!_

So, anyway, I will _nawt_ be able to dress this way forever, my brother was already suspicious of where his shirt went without me being completely RADASTICAL AND GENIUS like I always am I put on a black blazer I bought from Barneys on Saturday.

I still had it zipped up because it was surprisingly chilly this morning and I was a little nervous about what my friends were going to say about my outfit, and not to mention my make-up, _oh yeah, and the bow._

It was fabulous, I do believe. My eyes were covered thick with eyeliner and mascara. I used a bit of neon blue eye shadow and outlined my eyes with it making the blue in my eyes burst, which…now that I've thought that I realize it doesn't sound so good. My lips were the same as always, just without the lipstick. Only a little gloss.

So, here I was waiting outside of Kristen's apartment because she was the one I lived closest to. I shrugged my blazer off, the car had heated up, and tossed my blazer carelessly across the back of the final seats.

I saw Kirsten running up, and she was too busy hastily shoving papers into her Gucci bag she used as a backpack. When she finally pulled up in the car her eyes got really big. "_C-can I touch it?"_

There was a silence for a moment before I pondered what to answer. "Fuck yeah!" did not seem to be the mature response, but it worked. Kirsten looked shocked, but that's because I normally hid the kicking rad side of me because _The Pretty Committee _(lame name, I know), needed an alpha, and who was I to deny them my awesomeness?

She took the appropriate amount of time poking, prodding my hair, I had to stop the madness when she stuck her tongue out. Tried that yesterday, YOU CAN'T GET THE TASTE OF HAIRSPRAY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

"Nooo, Kirsten, bad. Bad dog." She grinned and shrugged. Then, she finally asked a question, I knew she would ask something, I just never knew what. "Why did you change your hair? I mean, it looks great and all, but…why?"

I shrugged, "Well, I wanted to be noticed, and I wanted to have fun doing it, you know?" Hellz to the yeah, I sounded so mature there. I amaze myself sometimes. I would like to thank the academy…

"…You know, people _did_ notice you, Kuh-laire, I mean, what the fuck, you lead The Pretty Committee." Kristen laughed, and I rolled my eyes while whining, 'it's not the same'.

By now we had stopped at Dylan's house and she opened up the door to see me plugging my ears screeching: 'LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU' and Kristen yelling who knows what. Then she looked at me. And then there was silence again, and then Dylan said, "Alicia is going to kick your ass."

Then we laughed, and when we were laughing Dylan came over and poked my hair, too. So, that's what we were doing when Alicia opened the door, her huge boobs almost knocking her out cold when they flew up and hit her in the face (PAYBACKS A BITCH! MWAHAHAHA! …who said anything about jealousy?) and she just stared at my hair, before she leaped at me while I stared at her in shock while she furiously looked at my wrists.

"What 'da fuck bitch, you want me to bust a cap on you?" I'm telling you, I have a way with words. She looks at me calmly as if she did not just jump at me all the way from a crossed the seat like a psycho woman.

"Kuh-laire, do you take any drugs?" I looked at her confused? Has Alicia Whatsherface been smoking something funny? I don't do drugs. Well, unless you count that one time I snorted some pixie stix, because that totally doesn't count.

Alicia ignored me for the rest of the carpool because she did not talk to somebody who was 'under the influence'. That's right, Alicia, blame it all on me! You're the one who dared me to snort the damn pixie stix, anyway!

Kristen, Dylan, and I had a just fantabulous time discussing my hair, anyway. They thought it was cute in a rebellious way, but _so not_glamorous. When we got out of the car, Alicia reached back, grabbed my jacket, took off her sunglasses and handed both items to me. "You're going to need them." Whatttt? I am confused, not that doesn't happen often anyway, but whatever!

I shrugged and put them on. They were the huge sunglasses, the ones that cover a big portion of your face, not that people didn't know who I was, anyway. Lots of whispering and pointing, and I was quite pleased. I felt like doing my secret dance that is a kicking rad combination between the 'Thriller' dance and the 'Macarena'. Man, I am so creative.

All was going good, I was flooded with questions from those lame-o _El-Be-Are's_ the second I sat down next to creepy colored eyes boy. Still cute, still wearing cute jeans that I swore I owned.

"Mugged any clothes from a ten year old boy?" Freaky But Cute (FBC for short, dude) boy asked me. I rolled my eyes, and I swear it was harder to blink with all this eye make-up on.

"I dunno, borrowed any jeans from your sister lately?" I shot back at him. I smiled proudly to myself, I was so creative. Someone needs to build a shrine for me. Like in _Hey Arnold_ where that creepy Helga girl had that awesome shrine in her closet. "I feel better knowing I'm wearing more make-up than you."

Eff Bee Cee looked confused. "What?"

I explained, "Yesterday I didn't wear any make-up and you had that eyeliner on, and I frowned because… a **boy **had more make-up on than me. I mean, what the fuck, you know?"

"I see. So, should all boys go around wearing eyeliner? How much would that freak girls out?" FBC asked another question, by now he was sort-of smirking which kind of made me want to punch him and then I remembered that I shouldn't do that unless I want another visit from Mr. PrinciPAL (he seriously makes us call him that).

After the day of school I went home, blah, blah it was boring and uneventful, of course. I logged onto MSN because I re-installed it this morning. I inserted my name and password into the necessary slots and the second I signed in my computer told me I had 23 messages. That's probably the most I have had at one time.

So, some of them were advertisements from like Viagra or something, because I really want a bigger wang because I apparently have one.

Anyway, the rest were from LBRs wanting to know if they can have my style of hair so I sent a message to everyone in my contacts saying 'GTFO IF YOU WANT MY HAIR. IT'S MINE. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.' I think I handled that very maturely.

I double-clicked on 'Massiekur' which was obviously Massie.

**ClaireBear: **Masssiiieee!

_Massiekur_: Kuh-laireeeee!

**ClaireBear**: Okay, sensei, enlighten me on my scene lesson for the day!

_Massiekur_: K, two things today. The first one is get a scene name

**ClaireBear**: WTF is a scene name?

_Massiekur_: It's your name with a word following it normally relating to drugs, gore, fashion, + sex.

**ClaireBear**: Okay, I got it!!

**CLAIREBEAR HAS CHANGED NAMES TO: XXX666cryingxclaire666XXX**

**XXX666cryingxclaire666XXX: **you like it??

_Massiekur: _I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. No, god, no. You look like a sad imitation of goth, and that makes my soul cry.

**XXX666cryingxclaire666XXX: **What should I use, then?

_Massiekur: _…Why not ClaireCATASTROPHE. Nothing special, but… it's better than what you are using right now. -gag-

**XXX666CRYINGXCLAIRE666XXX HAS CHANGED NAMES TO: claireCATASTROPHE**

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **Okay, this does look better

_Massiekur_: It came from me, of course it looks fabulous.

And then my mom called and ended my conversation, via pulling the internet connection thing out from the thing that gives me internet AKA GAWD.

When I rule the world she will be the first to go.

**Xxxx**

**Okay, not really funny, but I wanted to get this out soon, because I probably won't be able to update for at least two weeks if I had to guess. **


	4. BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE!

_**Dear Family, Friends, LBR's,**_

_**I would like to take this time to tell you that I am saying GOOD BYE to this cruel world. **_

_**You do not understand my style! Me! Or my habit of keeping my applesauce under my bed for weeks at a time (I said I'd clean it up, didn't I?)!**_

_**Go turn my room into a Gym! Oh… We already have one of those. A library? Oh, yeah, one of those to. AH-HA a bathroo--. Oh yeah.**_

_**Anyway, **_

_**YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS I HOPE YOU LAME-O LBR'S ROT IN HE--. I mean, say good bye, bitches!**_

I was so proud of myself after I grabbed my letter and sealed it. I cringed at the sweet taste of the glue (bad experiences with glue, don't want to talk about it) and wrote my name with a flourish on the front of the envelope in several different markers. Because I'm awesome like that.

_Signed Sincerely: __**claireCATASTROPHE, BITCHES.**_

So, I grabbed my bag of candies, and decided to hit the road. I, Claire Lyons, was running away from home. I know, I'm genius.

It all started something like this.

**I was running late for school when I was battling the evil alarm clock of doom I leaped into a run to my closet, because I scored some awesome shirts from my ogre of a brother. This time, I decided to wear a Ghost Busters t-shirt of his, it was a black color with, obviously, a picture of a ghost and that giant circle thing. I paired some black skinny jeans (the looked like I painted them on…) with them and grabbed some of my pink converse (It was Halloween, I went as that freak-o, Layne). **

**Anyway, when I got downstairs, Todd, my little asshole of a brother, throws this humongous fit when he sees me coming down the stairs.**

"**WHAT'D YOU DO TO MY SISTER?" He wailed like a little baby. I, naturally, laughed at him, but I think it probably came out more like a cackle, so I guess I could see how he thought I wasn't me. **

"**It's me, Claire, dummy." I stared at him, and he stared at me. There was a lot of staring going on in this room, actually. ANYWAY, on with the story. So, I covered we were both staring, right? 'Kay, so after that, he did this freaky, and I swear to God, it was the scariest moment in my life, warrior call and he charged at me from a crossed the room, and I obviously started running the other way, and well, I would have beat him, had that damn coffee table not been there. **

**So he grabbed onto my head and started banging it against the floor, or trying to, rather. Well, I had to defend myself, so I grabbed him by reaching my hand back (yeah, I have mad skills), and pinching the little snot right in his little tummy. **

**He squealed, because he's a pansy, and I took that time when he pulled his arms towards his stomach to flip over on my side, and grab his head, and I am totally owning him when Kayla, our house keeper, walks in, sees me beating Todd up freaks out, calls my mom from in her room and then it only gets worse.**

**When my mom came downstairs I realized that my hat had been thrown, courtesy of the little monster, and mom took one look and let out the weirdest scream I have ever heard in my life. It was like a gargle and a moan. It was horrifying. **

I just tried to imitate the noise, now, and boy, it was _nothing_ like it. I have a firm belief that only moms can make that noise.

"**Your hair!" She cried. Oh yeah, mom, ignore your son, he's not dead yet, just lemme give him three more whacks, eh?**

"**Oh God, Claire, your clothes. WHY ARE YOU WEARING TODD'S CLOTHES?" She yelled that last bit entirely too loud and I most certainly did not approve of this nonsense.**

"**Maw-m, It's popular right now!" I whined, it sounded pathetic to even my ears. Judi was so not going to go for that, she can **_**smell**_** the slightest bit of fear. **

"**NO! YOU CAN NOT GET OUT OF THIS ONE, MISSY. UGH, YOUR MAKE-UP! YOU LOOK LIKE A" She paused here to shudder, "…STREETWALKER!"**

**I scowled and I watched Moms back while she scuttled off, I had a firm belief she was going to lock me up forever. I glared at Todd, this was all his fault. So, I guess I scared him too much and he said, "It's not my fault you got in trouble, **_**drag queen**_**."**

**I screamed and leaped at him again. Kayla tried to pull Todd away from me, but I didn't let her. I may or may not have ripped out someone's diamond earring. I'm pretty sure that's what was in my hand, anyway.**

So, that pretty much sums up what my plans were now. I was going to go outside but Mom and Dad were out there talking to the _therapist._

Don't you think that's a bad sign? I mean good god, his name is like _the_**rapist.** What good comes from a name like that? My teachers taught me all about that fungi-fun guy business, so this man will not fool me!

I believe I cackled a little too loudly because my Mom turned and looked at me, shot me a steely glare, and turned back around looking like she was so worried for her daughter. Who she thought was a drag queen.

I thought about it, and hitting the road did not seem like much of an option now. I mean, I _need_ wifi, my straightener, my curler, and all of that. But, I mostly needed that wifi. Being the genius I am, I grabbed my laptop and snuck up in the attic with my laptop. It was pretty and blue and covered in rhinestones and stickers, and it did look fabulous if I do say so myself (which I do).

I got up there, signed into MSN, email, deleted some random pop-ups that my pop-up blocker should have gotten, and finally triple-clicking on 'Massiekur', we've been through this; it was Massie the first time you asked, it will be the second, and the third, too.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: Massiiiieee, sorry, that was all my moms fault. You know, about yesterday. **

_Massiekur: _I'll forgive you.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: Okay, I should probably get this out of the way. What was the lesson you were going to teach me?**

_Massiekur: _Myspace, babe. You need to pimp out your myspace!

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **But I lent Alicia my zit cream. ):

_Massiekur: _…what?

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **what?

_Massiekur:_ Never mind… Anyway, assuming you have a camera (you do, don't you?), you need to take lots of pictures in weird angles. You know, emo pictures, same difference. I suggest something colorful in the background.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **LIKE RAINBOWS?

_Massiekur: _…yeah, just like rainbows….

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **suh-weet.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **Ojeez. I have to go meet the stupid lame-o therapist. I was hiding from him, but I ran out of supplies.

_Massiekur:_ Therapist. How the hell did you manage that?

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **Well, that's the thing. Todd caught me wearing his shirt, which looked fabulous on me, and threw a fit, we started fighting. Well, one thing came to another and my hat was off. Judi came down, and well…

_Massiekur: _I can see how well that went down…

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: Yeah. Okay, I better get this done before I have to go meet the rapist.**

**CLAIRECATASTROPHE IS NOW OFFLINE**

**(4:26)**_Massiekur:_WHAT RAPIST?!

I closed the chat, deciding that I probably should work on some pictures. First things first, I looked for my camera, it was a metallic silver color, pretty plain in retrospect, but no matter, I just needed to take pictures.

I looked in the mirror and saw my hair was a rats nest, more so then usual, though, I suppose.

I grabbed my camera, and start flailing my arms about in front of my mirror while humming the Digimon theme song, once the song was over, that's where I stopped.

Pretty clever, huh?

After that madness I decided I should take some cliché pictures, you know because I want them to be like: 'OMJ, YOU'RE SO EMO! GO SEE A DOCTOR!' and then I can be like, 'I'M NOT EMO. WHY DOES NO ONE GET THAT! I AM INDIVIDUAL!" I have it all planned out. IT WILL WORK LIKE A CHARM.

I was about ready to take another picture, but I accidentally slipped on some water and I kind of threw my camera. I groaned, my tail bone definitely took most of the blow on that one. I looked to see where my camera landed and it landed in the sink which had no water in it.

I pushed myself off my butt, wincing, and grabbed my camera. Looking through the recent pictures I saw my shocked expression as I was about to fall. Oh, whoops. I shrugged and pressed delete on the picture, nobody was every going to see that picture.

I jogged to my room and opened up my Myspace, okay the obvious problems existed. My skin for my page was a collage to 'Coach', 'Juicy', and 'Miu Miu' No longer will this be up, I scowled.

So naturally I looked around on the internet to find some backgrounds, and on the third site, finally, I found something I liked. It was a zebra print background, the font was pink and I was pleased over all. Right after I highlight/copy/pasted the code into my HTML I was called down stairs from my parents, via intercom.

"Claire, I want you to meet Mr. Bateljuiz." I snorted when I heard his name, I turned off the intercom.

I thought for a second, mom was going to kill me, Oh well. "BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE." I giggled to myself, but I couldn't help but to be creeped out. If there is a man down there that is wearing a striped suit, I am getting out of here.


	5. READYSETSTRUT

_**New Blog Entry**_

(aka- Chapter Five)

_**9-7-08**_

You are probably wondered where I've been. I mean, how can anyone enjoy life when I, Claire Lyons, is missing? Well don't worry. I got grounded, rather unfairly. ): It was not my fault, it was that damn therapist (and a little bit his nickname...). It all started when I was supposed to have a nice little chat with Mr. Beetlejuice or whatever his name is.

I have recorded and documented this in case my lawyer, Lawyer Barbie, finds something I can sue this creep for. This is strictly typing out when it's playing, so you can deal with it.

**Setting: INSIDE MY BELLY-- err... THERAPIST OFFICE**

**Characters: Claire Lyons, Mr. Beetlejuice**

**Time: Monday morning 9:56 am**

**xxx**

**The Rapist: **Claire, the first step to solving your problem is admitting you have a problem. Remember, I will be here for you to reach out if it get's tough. First step first. Repeat after me, Claire Bear. Do you mind if I call you that?

**Claire "Bear": **[gag] Yes. Yes, I do mind.

**Rapist: **Well, dear, repeat after me, okay?

**Claire: **Yeah, sure, whatever

**BJ: **I, Claire Lyons--

**Claire: **WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE A CLONE? YOU STOLE MY NAMEEEEE. I'M SCARED. IT'S JUST LIKE THAT ONE MOVIE I FORGOT THE NAME OF WHERE THEY LIKE TAKE OVER THE BODIES

**BJ: **Invasion of the Body Snatchers?

**Claire: **THAT'S THE ONE. OH MY JONAS, I HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. ARGHHHH, WHY DID I HAVE TO GET BODY SNATCHED BEFORE I COULD GO BLOW UP HANNAH MONTANNA? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'M SCARED, BUDDHA, HOLD ME.

**BJ: **No, -sigh-, Claire, I'm not you. I am Dick Bateljuiz.

**Claire: **-snicker- Okay, 'I, Claire Lyons....'

**Dick BJ: **...admit that I...

**Claire: **...admit that I...?

**Dick BJ: **Cross dress.

**Claire: **Dress Cross. Oh shit. Ssorc SSred? ...Croc Shoes? Peanut Butter? Sonny and Cher? CROSS DRESS. -smirk- I am _good. WAIT._ Cross Dress? What the hell? I do no such thing.

**Dick BJ: **Well, apparently you do. You are here in my office, Claire Bear.

**Claire: **... -sigh- I am not a cross dresser. I mean, why would I? I look fabulous in girls clothes anyway. -giggle-

**Dick BJ: **Well, apparently from what your mother has said you have been spotted in your brothers shirt and another in your dirty hamper. Don't lie, just admit it and things will go a lot smoother, honey.

**Claire: **That's great and all but JESUS. Maybe I just thought those shirts were cute!

**Dick BJ: **What if you start thinking your brothers underwear is cute? And his pants? What about his shoes? Do you want to try on your brothers shoes, Claire? I have the utmost patience, so I will stay with you until you admit it. 'I, Claire Ly--

**Claire: **HOLY JEEZ--

**Dick BJ: **DON'T START THAT AGAIN. Now, Claire, why don't you just admit it.

**Claire: **Because I am not a _cross dresser_.

**Dick BJ**: I notice that is a Poh-kee-man on your shirt. Did it occur to you that maybe that is a boyish shirt? Do you dress that way so you can rebel? Do you want to be a boy, Claire, honey?

**Claire: **-repeatedly hitting head on the desk-

**Dick BJ: **Don't do that, Claire, that's my nice table...

**Claire: **uuuuuhfuhhudkgn.

**Dick BJ**: -frown- Claire?

**Claire**: -foam-

**Dick BJ: **D:

* * *

Then I was rushed to the hospital or emergency room or whatever only to find out I was suffering massive case of DISTURBED. I was sent back home, much to the chagrin of my mom and dad who probably wanted me to go rot in the hospital.

She gave me this weird look again and then burst into tears and launched herself at me. I don't do well at surprise attacks so I fell over, but Judi didn't seem to notice. I am pretty sure she was blubbering about 'her poor little messed up baby', her words not mine.

Over the next couple of days everybody was overly nice, which is pretty suspicious in itself, because quite frankly I wasn't exactly the nicest person in the house, you catching my drift? So, I was a little cautious. And then I decided to screw that and I decided I wanted to go shopping.

I called up Dylan and Kristen because Alicia was away at Spain (She means Brooklyn, NY), so I didn't have to bother acting like she didn't answer. The second I had my genius idea I ran downstairs almost succeeding in breaking my neck because I stumbled a little bit on the top step.

No worries. So I ran downstairs and I called Dylan and Kristin and we agreed that Dylan's driver would pick us up because her driver is less of a pedophile (as far as I know) to the people in the car (and well, people in general). I think I was doing a service to humanity. I should get an award. Or five more.

Anyway, five minutes later and we were in front of the mall. Just sitting in the car. God. I hate silence. So to put myself out of misery, I started humming the Pokemon theme song obnoxiously. I don't even like Pokemon, but god damn, that Ash Ketchum is pretty kicking rad and stuff.

"FIGHTING EVIL BY MOONLI--, oh shit, that's Sailor Moon isn't it?" Kristen asked, while Dylan and burst out laughing. It seems my radness is rubbing off on the others. It's all according to plan -insert cackle here-.

Anyway, we were sitting here and the whole point was, I guess to look good for boys? Because I guess they were always here? I don't know when I go to the mall I am in serious shopping mode. I didn't know boys had a life besides looking at boobs and making 'Yo Momma' jokes. Because they are really clever.

I titled my head at my friends and observed them putting on their make-up with care, making sure to get the right colors. I get why they are doing it and all, but why would they want to look like everyone else?

They looked good, even from my standards-- but every other girl looked good, also. They all look alike, nobody pays much attention to you when you look the same, but when someone with hair like _mine_ enters the room... you better believe they pay attention.

I made an un-amused noise in the back of my throat and the girls finally decided that they were done. The did look good, I couldn't deny them that. I sighed, and quickly glossed my lips, because if they were getting dressed up, so was I.

Ha-ha, I'm so kidding. I was in the most adorable mini dress that was white with a black and white striped tank top showing on my shoulders. I had short black shorts on and black leggings under that and some bright pink flats and my hair was done in the usual style-- teased till it's huge. I also had some big pink clunky jewelry from I forgot where hanging from my neck. I nodded to myself, I looked good.

I jumped out of the stationary vehicle and started walking in time with TPC (new name pending.)

**This chapter was kinda short, and no Massie, but that's okay because next chapter will be longer. I just wanted to show you guys I was alive.**


	6. SNAKEBITESAREVENOMOUS

Who knew so many emo kids hung out at the mall? Weren't they supposed to be chillaxing and stuff at their house taking myspace pictures and cutting themselves? This is where Massie would say, "Shut up, emos don't cut unless they are posers." Then I would have to tell little miss Massie to shut the fuck up and get her own story. But the point remains, lots of hot boys in tight pants. I guess those were emo boys? Am I thinking of skater again? WHY HAVE I NEVER REALIZED THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME?! I will still not like them because they have nicer legs than me. Damn all you skinny-legged boys.

I could hear Kristen and Dylan giggling at the boys that had notice them arrive, I think that it's retarded that they were swooning at a little attention, but what could I say? I was looking for a certain boy with the fucking creepy eyes. He's still cute though, so it's all good. "So, girlies, where are we going shopping? I'm thinking a little Delia's--" I stopped when I noticed the scandalized looks that had come over the girls faces. "What? Do I have something on my nose? Is it a spider? Why are you not answering me? IT'S A SPIDER ISN'T IT!" And then I screamed and had a flailing fit with my arms, scratching my face, giving it an ugly upset mark.

"No, Claire, there is no spider on your face-- WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BUG SPRAY. CLAIRE. CLAIRE, LISTEN TO ME. You don't have a spider on your face, honey. But you said you wanted to shop at Delia's..." Dylan said, scrunching her nose up in disgust. "Umm, ew." I was confused.

"Finally, a store I don't feel poor shopping at!" Kristen giggled and threw her arms around me, both of us collapsing on the ground, which frightened me quite a bit, enough to punch Kristen in the gut. She gagged for a second and quickly ran to the nearest bathroom to presumably blow her chunks, as I can eloquently put it. "I didn't punch you that hard! Take it like a man!" And then I did these 'wooh' things that sounded like they were coming from a gorilla, but what the hell, it's not every day I got to punch someone. I think I will have to do that everyday, at the least I can get Todd everyday.

Dylan looked at me as if I was insane, "Did you seriously just punch Kristen in the gut? Man, She's was totally on the rag, and she was complaining about cramps before. Ugh, this is going to be a pain in the ass. Kuh-laire, you don't punch someone if they are on the rag! That's like the rules of... womanhood!" Then she continued to point at Kristen who was in fact puking (I presume) in the bathroom, which is of course, always attractive.

"I gotcha, is it right after not punching other 'women'? I don't care how much blood is coming out of Kristen's vag, she--" and before I could finish that sentence someone put their arm around me, and just as I was about to swing my other arm, the person laughed. and I blinked because, what the hell was that total cutie Cam doing with his arm around me.

"So, girls really do talk about periods when they are alone. Consider it noted." Cam laughed, and I then took notice of the other boy who was supah cute, "Josh, this is the girl I was telling you about."

"Claire does not like where this conversation is going. 'This is the girl I was telling you about?' What was he telling? It was all fabulous things, I'm sure. Hey! What other times are you thinking about me and I don't know? Ohmygawd, Cam you nasty! You think of me at night! Creeperrrrrr." At this point I was poking Cam in the shoulder, saying rapist. Ah, too easy to embarrass boys.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Cam said as he, his hot friend Josh, and Dylan burst out laughing. Ugh, god dammit, why is it when I want to embarrass someone, because I feel like it, shut up, they never are? It's God. It's all because I said 'Hold me, Buddha,' in the last chapter right? Curses. Foiled again.

"We're talking about you being a stalker, princess. Keep up with the subject. You know I was on the Tube yesterday, Youtube for you guys' not raised on the streets, I'm hard core, and I was watching a video about boys who wear tight pants, or some shit like that. I don't know, just keep that in mind for and I saw this video where it's harder for a guy to produce enough sperm or something when you're thirty and wanting a baby."

"Cam, honey, you need to stop wearing those damn tight pants, I want a baby!" Mimicked Josh in a house-wifey accent which made me swoon, because that boy was just too cute. I giggled the loudest at him, and realized my flirting skills were totally off. I think I may being taking it far if I said I wanted to jump on him and quite possibly molest him. Yes? Damn. He was _sooooo_ cute though. Shaggy brown hair, brown eyes and tight jeans. SCORE ONE FOR CLAIRE. Tight jeans are awesome, and anyone who disagrees can take it outside with my light saber. I mean, you can fight my light saber, not you know, walk away with it and play with it.

And suddenly my pocket vibrated, and I was about ready to squeal and stuff, it really caught me off guard, when I looked down at it. Call from Massie. SUH-WEET. She can help me. Claire will reel in a hot emo boy. Hmm, Cam or Josh. The person who brings up the fact that Josh and I have no classes together can get a shovel to the head. And that I'm shallow, you can get the shovel, too. I held up my finger and gave the international symbol of 'Be right back'. Or maybe it was 'Don't Eat All The Chicken.' Whatever, not the time to worry about that.

"Massie!" I squealed at her the second she said hey, "Thereisareallyhotboyhereandhehassomecoolhairandhe'sreallycute." There was a pause as Massie was probably wondered what in the world I was saying, but she could figure it out, she's smart enough. Right? Hmm, wait. Maybe the girls taken one too many eyeliner streaks to the brain. "Masssiiieeee did you hear me?!"

"Stuff you, Claire. I heard you. Is this one of those things where you read it, and it's like 'thepenisinhermouth' and your supposed to read _the pen is in her mouth_ but I always read _the penis in her mouth_ which is always a bit distracting. Don't blame me, the internet made me stupid." I didn't have time to explain the concepts of Massie as to why her comment about reading what was sad, but one day I will. It's my duty to humanity.

"Massie! This boy here, Josh, is like super awesome amazingly hot! I'm going to take a picture of him with my phone, k?" While still talking to Massie on the phone, I took a quick picture, and to my misfortune, I realized the flash wasn't on. I messed around with it for a little bit before deciding to check it. In my face. Of course I started screaming and flailing such, before I realized Massie was looking at the picture my phone had sent her.

"That is, of course, a very attractive picture of you, Kuh-laire. But hurry get the picture! I want to see this guy!" I hid behind a bush, humming Mission Impossible 3 in my head, until I heard Massie say, "Kuh-laire! This is not a Wal-Mart forward! Get to it!" I frowned, snapped the picture, before I slipped over the horribly placed cup of lemonade, making a very attractive [again] expression I'm sure. I knew Massie got the picture, she started squealing. "THAT'S _JOSHJilted!" _And then there was more screaming, and then I kind of ignored everything else she screamed. I believe the words: wallet, shirt, and pineapple had found their way into the conversation, I was not going to even think of how that was in there, but whatever. "NAIL HIM, CLAIREEEE. GET HIM!" And then she was about to say something, but I quickly closed the phone, the only words I heard were, "Claire, wait, he's--!"

"Hello, I'm back!" I said cheerfully. "I am bored now. You guys. Entertain me." I snapped in their face, making a Z formation because (we went over this) I was raised on the streets.

Dylan made a frustrated noise, in the back of her throat that made her sound like a pig (not that I was judging) and said, "Ugh, I better go take care of Kristen, looks like she's going to call for a drive home. See you later, bitch."

"Bite me, baby!" I called back to her cheerfully. I was not one of these angry people. "So," I said turning my attention to the total studs I was going to spend the rest of the afternoon with. Um, lucked out, am I right? "What do you guys want to do?"

Cam laughed and said, "I'm hungry. Claireeeeee, feed me!" I giggled along with him, and blushed while Josh did it along with Cam. Then Cam got up and immidiately brushed himself off, pointed majestically to the food court and said, "ONWARD!"

And then we were never seen or heard from again. Heh, just kidding. We went to the food court, had awesome fun times sticking chopsticks up our nose and clapping like those darn walruses do. That's the right animal, right? After that we started throwing food at people and then that's when things got a little interesting. Okay, not really. We just got told to not come back to the food court for the rest of the day or blah, blah. All in all it was shaping up to be a fun day.

"Hey, Claire, have you ever considered getting a lip ring?" I blinked. "No?" Josh asked me. "That's a real shame, you'd look cute with one." Cam rolled his eyes and I couldn't say yes fast enough. I wondered out loud how much they'd cost. "Hmm, I'm willing to bet $50."

Sounds kicking radical!

xx

x

**New Blog**

**Updated: 3:45 am**

And that's how I ended up at home grounded for three months, more sessions with Dick Whatshisface. On the plus side. I got a myspace request from a certain Cam Fisher and JOSHJilted. Things are looking up.

**Comments (1):**

**Massiekur: **...omgomgomgomg JOSHJilted I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN! AHHHH. SO CUTE! -swoon-. I HAVE TO GO DOWN TO WESTCHESTER....! KUH-LAIRE, YOU ARE USEFUL FOR ONCE.

**claireCATASTROPHE: **Hey! I resent that! Or, y'know, however that saying goes.


	7. this title is not in caps lock

I had realized a startling conclusion. Cam and Josh were Internet famous. It only occurred to me after I accepted maybe the tenth random friend request. You know, not that I was complaining or anything. It's just a little disheartening to find out the boys you've been lusting after for like everrrr are popping up on photobucket which was supremely pissing me off. Why couldn't I be on photobucket? I was a beautiful young scene-ish looking kid! Love me, public, love me!

I decided I was going to check up on Cam and Josh's myspace before a new IM popped up.

**Cry_Wolf:** I know who you are. I will take you down.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** I feel as if I've seen this before.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE**: I liked the movie, though. Nice try.

**Cry_Wolf**: …..

****USER CRY_WOLF HAS CHANGED SCREEN NAME TO Mimi-massacre.**

**Mimi-massacre: **I still know who you are. I want to know what you're doing with him.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** I'm doing what with who?

Shouldn't I be the first to know these kind of things? I mean, what guy did I do what with? IS THIS LIKE THAT GAME?! I FORGOT IT NOW BUT THAT GAME WAS LIKE KICKING RAD! I pick Colonel Custard in the dining room with the candlestick!

**Mimi-massacre:** Are you serious? You're totally whoring yourself around Josh and Cam! Stop it, if you don't I swear to God I will come over to your house and beat your whore ass.

What? I was _sosososo_ not the whore here! That was Alicia! What the hell did I do to you Mimi Massacre, _if that is your real name_. Ah, shit. I'm pretty sure I was talking out loud again when my brother passed by.

But seriously, I'm in Cam's class and I met Josh and suddenly I'm a whore? Couldn't I _at least_ be something bad ass like a, oh I dunno, pimp? Tch, no, I get to be the one who gets bitch slapped every day and is a sack full of STD's. This sucks balls. I frowned and typed out a reply on my pretty keyboard. Yes, my keyboard is pretty, everything in my room is beautiful and pretty.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **Couldn't you be a little more creative? How about a curb stomp session? That would be kick ass.

**Mimi-massacre**: You are such a loser! Whatever, just stay away from Cam and Josh.

**Mimi-massacre: **Oh, btw, you have major split ends!

****MIMI-MASSACRE HAS SIGNED OFF**

BITCH DID NOT!

My hair did not have split ends, bitch! I spared a glance at my hair, oh fuck! Yes it did! I wanted to burst into tears. I then found my resolve. Fucking Mimi Massacre, I'm going to find you, bitch! I, with the determination of several midgets, GIS'd Mimi Massacre. My eyes narrowed when a myspace was the first thing to pop up. I clicked the link and the bright neon background was the first thing to pop up. I nearly had a heart attack when I noticed the girl in the picture. That could not be her! Oh good god, good sweet merciful god, please don't let it be her! This girl, this horribly mean stack of skank, was the sceneist scenester I had ever scene (HAHA I'MSOCLEVER!) in my whole life!

There were stripes! There was color! It was disgusting. I had never been so pissed off/scared in my life. How did she move with her pants so tight?! I felt really sick. Then I was angry; Bitch please, she isn't going to take my men, goddammit! I was going to scream with all my frustration until I got a new IM. Damn people love me.

My eyes directed themselves to the sender of the instant message and I swooned when I saw it was Josh. Then another screen popped up from Massie. I clicked Massie's first, just in case she had something to tell me.

**Massiekur: **OMG, I am so sorry I haven't talked to you in forever!

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** Who is Mimi Mushroom?

**ClaireCATASTROPHE**: Mimi Meat?

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** I don't remember...

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** Whatever, that bitch is crazy.

**Massiekur: **Uhh, you mean Mimi _Massacre?_

Yeah, she seriously italicized it. Well, _exscuuuuuze_ me, I didn't know we had to be grammar nazis all up in this hood. All up in this business? Whatever, gangster is my second language. I'm considering getting a "Thug Life" tattoo. Then cruise around in my car. Hey, I might be confusing myself with a story I was reading. I do that a lot.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** I think so?

**Massiekur: **What about her? She's a _huuuuge_ scene queen, she's a huge bitch and she looks fabulous when she gets her gang to take your eyes out with eyeliner.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** Hey, I did that once! That wasn't that bad...

**Massiekur: **Apparently she's friends with Josh...wait.

**Massiekur**: ...oh shit...

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **I know! I have this plan, though. If I out scene her, then she can't possibly try to harrass me about Josh or Cam, right?

**Massiekur:** I, uh, don't really think that will work.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **And then, she'll be so sad, she'll go run crying to her little posse while I take her around back and shoot her!

**Massiekur:** Uhh, don't you think you're going a little overboard here?

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** No.

**Massiekur: **Does she even know about this little competition you are planning? If not, how is she going to know she lost or won?

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **Because she will taste the bitter defeat! Defeat isn't actually all that bitter, btw, it's more like vegetables, so you know it's still as nasty as fuck.

**Massiekur**: Okay, in honor of your little _competition_ I'm going to give you your new lesson.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE:** Oh yeah, what happened to those?

**Massiekur:** Magic.

**Massiekur:** Your new lesson is to let people know that you are better than them and they will never be as cool as you.

**ClaireCATASTROPHE: **I do that already.

**Massiekur:** Oh. Well then, get extensions. Lots and lots of extensions in different colors! It makes people smile! :D

**ClaireCATASTROPHE**: SMILE IN PAIN?! Please say yes...

**Massiekur**: Err, no.

****ClaireCATASTROPHE HAS SIGNED OFF.**

**Massiekur: **Hello???!

**AUTO RESPONSE FROM CLAIRECATASTROPHE: **WOOHOO TOO BUSY SHOPPING TO REPLYYYYYY.

**Massiekur:** Oh dear God.... what have I created?!

**MASSIEKUR HAS SIGNED OFF**

I snickered after I signed out, haha, Mimi, you are so going down. Wait. A thought struck me, I forgot to talk to Josh! Nooooooo!

_I have forgotten what was funny, apparently. I had no idea what to do in this chapter, so please deal with this sack of filth, because I actually have an idea for the next chapter. _


	8. I'm a mofo celebrity 8D

School is so many levels of lame right now. Hell, it's almost as lame as Dylan's god awful clogs. I said nothing about that though, because I'm such a nice sensitive person. Instead I harassed Kristen because her shirt and bag didn't match. I scoffed, amateurs. BUT ANYWAY I'm getting off topic. School was particularly lame this time because we were having this activity where we are supposed to run around or something? I just heard about it now in class, and I didn't really pay attention I was too busy wondering if it was the voices in my head again.

So as we shuffled outside I hit people up (I'm fluent in gangsta now) about what was going on. Most of them looked at me weird, the same way they did that one time when I was accusing everyone for stealing my precious hairspray. I thought the fumes from hairspray were getting to my head, then I remembered that I had lost my sanity long ago.

So here I was freezing my ass off in the gym that was permanently blowing arctic winds. Also, since I forgot about this little 'fitness thing' (it had apparently been mentioned several hundred times. Huh.) I had to borrow some shorts. And we're not talking about cute little shorts, we're talking serious business left over from the '60's shorts. They were, like, pumpkin orange, and I had unfortunately worn a bright pink shirt so I looked like some super demented highlighter. These pants were also about oh, three sizes too big which is, y'know, just _lovely_.

So, I still have no idea what's going on as I do my best to do jumping jacks while not letting my shorts fall down. "I'm going to have a seizure." Dylan complained to me as she was working on her jumping jacks. I had no idea what a seizure was so I told her to do it on Kristin's side, my shirt was cute. Dylan gave me a weird look, I think, but I was too busy trying to pull my pants up.

You know what's even worse? The other grades, aka not freshman, were lined up on the other side of the gym, meaning I couldn't see Josh. That's okay, though, seeing him would just make me think of that frigging bitch Mimi Massacre. AND Cam was right on my side also, so it was all good. I was ignoring him though, 'cuz he made fun of my shorts. They are bad, I had too admit, but still! I turned around and was about to say something to him, before I perked up my ears and heard some girls talking about someone. "OMG Yeah, I know what you mean! Claire does dress kick ass." I smirked, then the girl continued, "But you know, there's this chick called Mimi Massacre, she looks fucking awesome!"

I'm pretty sure my whole face just turned bright red with anger, does that make me Strawberry 2.0?! I was about ready to turn around and say something to them when I tripped. I'm talking full out falling, right in front of their face. I jumped back up as if there was no tripping, only to look down to see what I tripped on. IT WAS THE SHORTS. THE GODDAMMED SHORTS, FUCK NO! They had fallen down on my ankles exposing my not-so-badass pink batman underwear. I was about ready to scream in embarrassment before I decided to quickly pull the pants up, but it was too late, the damage was done. I just pretty much accidentally flashed the whole high school. Well, at least I wore full underwear today. No teachers were in the room at the moment either, so there was this shocked silence and I cringed as I waited for the laughter. The first one to say something was Cam. "Oh wow." That was all he said. I, in my embarrassed rage, stomped over to him, and pants'd him. That was quite possibly the most awesome moment in my life. I feel so revolutionized now that it's happened. It was a beautiful moment.

"Wow," Cam said, not at all embarrassed that I had just pants'd him, "I never knew you wanted to get me out of my pants so bad." And then everyone was laughing. It was humiliating, and I want to send all these kids to the fiery pit of hell for laughing at me. But, I was most mad at Cam, now. I did the most reasonable thing in my mind. I kicked him in the fucking balls. And then when he was on the floor, writhing in pain, I stood over him kicking him even more.

"Haha, fucker! I'm going to kick your mofo ass!" I had been watching gangsta movies lately. Then, just as I think Cam was about to start crying, I got pulled off him. The teacher that grabbed me was some man with a bushy gray beard. I wanted to scream pedophile rapist, but I figured at this point that I was already in trouble, so I just let them lead me away, while I bawled as the reality set in that I just beat Cam up.

**. . . . . . . . . **

Are you kidding me?

I am suspended.

Fucking suspended.

I am now sentenced to my room as per my mother, who was horrified that I had tarnished her reputation. I was currently texting Massie, seeing as I had nothing to do. I text her about the whole traumatizing story. You know what the bitch did? She called me. **Just. So. She. COULD LAUGH AT ME. **After about a minute I was over with that so I told her if she ever showed up in my town that I would do several things to her that I think are illegal in all countries.

She quickly changed the subject. "Haha, Claire, I have something that can occupy you."

"What is it." I scowled.

"If you still want to be scene, go make a youtube video. That is so in right now, you don't even know."

"Yes. I do know." Then I hung up because I'm so badass. I scurried out of my bed and ran to the bathroom to fix my hair. More hairspray, bows, and damage control. I then quickly located my camera so I could take videos. Then I stopped. What the hell was I going to talk about? …I have no idea. BRAIN BLAST! I'm going to tell the story about how I got suspended from school! I will leave out the part about how my pants fell down, though. I think that is for the best. I quickly sat down on my bed before putting the camera on my desk, and I laid on my bed so I could look at the camera without throwing my neck out like grandpa did at the last thanksgiving, don't ask I'm not even going to go there.

And then for the next four minutes I relayed the whole event about my suspension for a week to the unsuspecting masses of the youtube users.


	9. You don't deserve a chapter title

**To: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**From: ClaireCatastrophe**

**Subject: My subjects are awesome**

_You want to know something that is positively outrageous? Shorts. I just want to beat them up. Then you. So, I will beat shorts up, then you, then Cam (Wait I already did that). Because he is also outrageous. Don't even mention Josh because he is just outrageously hot. That is all._

_This brings me to my point, my video on Youtube has been fantabadelicious hit, and I am now the owner of 13 subscribers. Be prepared world, I'll conquer you like I did Cam's ass. (Hahahaha, did you see what I did there?)_

**From: Massiekur**

**Subject: RE: My subjects are awesome**

_Do I have to remind you that you created four fake accounts? Have fun with your nine subscribers. Oh, btw, why haven't you been committed yet?_

_Oh right, that's because you'll beat everybody up that tries._

**To: (contacts: Massiekur)**

**From: ClaireCatastrophe**

**Subject: RE:RE: My subjects...**

_Your attempts to hurt me are massive failures because YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM A VICIOUS CASE OF JEALOUSY. You are just jealous of my 9 (14, I mean) subs. As they say in the hood, "don't hate me 'cuz you ain't me."_

_That was quite the burn, sir._

-

Guess what's over? My suspension, woot woot (Also your shoes)! Guess who I get to see? Josh and/or Cam! I have not yet decided if I would forgive him for my traumatic pantsing events that caused me to receive several more sessions with Dr. Beetlejuice. He now calls me Batgirl, I questioned my mom if this was enough for him to get arrested for being a pedophile (no word yet).

I'm sure you can understand how excited I am to see Cam/Josh again after that incident. I am mostly curious to find out if I have possibly damaged Cam's ability to supply me with beautiful kids. I am excited to see him first period, hah, see how much damage I did to him (I did kick him in the balls, if you recall). So I was all uber happy and shit to pick out my outfit. It pretty much consisted of torn panty hose, a bright yellow miniskirt with a big baggy black sweatshirt.

And yes, it was pretty much Grade A awesome, I would know.

-

Once all the PC had gotten cozy in the Range Rover I had decided to inform of their new mission. "Dudettes," I began solemnly, always being one for professional, "I would like you all to tell me all you know about Cam Fisher and Josh Hotz."

Alicia looked at me weird. "What, seriously? I dated Josh for like... a year."

I narrowed my eyes at her, swiveling my head from side to side while maintaining eye contact. "This is my lie detector," I said this while interrupting my sentences with beeps, y'know, to figure out if she was lying.

"Uhhh, yeah, okay. We dated from like seventh to eighth grade. How the hell do you not remember this?" Alicia was looking at me with a weird look again. Why do people keep doing that to me?

"ALICIA, WE DON'T USE FUCKING EXPLETIVES IN MY FUCKING CAR. Oh, and it's because I try to block those memories out."

Dylan had to go and be a little douche, "Hey, shouldn't you be trying to block out those memories that got you suspended? Hah, right?" She then highfived with Kristen or Kirstin I forget, while cackling at me. I almost kicked them out right then and there but then I remembered my parents grounded me the last time I did that. So I just glared at her for the rest of the trip there, ignoring everything else.

Alicia is my biffle now.

"Hey,there is one more thing, Claire!" Kristen began.

"No, shut up!" I shouted at her.

-

When we finally got to school, I rushed off to my first class, eager to see Cam and come up with some clever remark that would make him want to love me again. Is this a possibility? When I sat down I started hyperventilating because I realized, hey, gorgeous hot Cam isn't in here yet. But then a crowd of TOTAL LBR's came up to me and tuh-otally harassed me with their welcome back's and happiness. It wasn't until five minutes after they left that Cam had finally came in. He was wearing not tight pants and he looked wary when he saw me sitting there assessing him. When he sat down, I said, "I promise not to kick your ass." He smiled at me here. "Unless you cry again." He frowned. "I'm kidding."

He shrugged, glancing at me with his gorgeous eyes, "I know," he admitted, "But I can't believe _you_ kicked my ass!" I made an offended face here. "Don't give me that look, you're like the smallest girl here, not to mention the cutest looking, how surprising that you could kick my manly man ass."

The only thing I could focus on was that he called me cute. Aww, how sweet! "Your just saying that to get in my pants, hey, Ace?" I joked with him, while winking at him and making suggestive hip gestures. Haha, I made him blush.

"No. As I recall, you wanted to get in my pants, as you clearly displayed."

"_No, _I _got_ in your pants. You are now used goods, I'm on to bigger and better plans, now."

"Like Josh?"

I choked on the water I was drinking. "You, sir, you are a creeper."

He grinned at me, flipping his hair, "I try."

We spent the rest of the class making idle remarks to each other, so I figured we were as cool as the other side of the pillow. As class ended, and I realized I had not heard one word the teacher said, Cam said, "Dude, Josh is having a party friday, I didn't get to tell you because you were suspended." He laughed at me.

I shook a very offensive looking fist at him and said, "Shut up, I got suspended because I kicked your ass!" He just laughed more before leaving the classroom.

His last words I heard were, "Be there or be square!" I snorted, this isn't the nineties. The nineties are a time I would like to forget.

-

By the time lunch rolled around, I could tell my public had missed me. So far I've had 12 people compliment me on my new coon tails. Or was it Zigzagoon? Wait... that's a Pokemon. I apologize mind, I'm sorry I can recognize Pokemon names. Yes, it scares me too.

"Hey, Claire!" I turned around it was Josh, we were within sight of the PC and I could see Alicia glaring at me. I raised my hand to wave at him when he jumped back jokingly saying, "Please don't kick my balls, I need them!"

I laughed with him before saying, "I'll separate you from them when you're sleeping." Then I added, "What's this I hear about a party?" I was pumped to go to this party that I'd heard about from other people, not just Cam. I was intrigued as to what Josh's house looked like, and I would have fun rubbing it in Kristen and Dylan's face. I was willing to bet Alicia had already been invited since I've noticed that they actually do act like friends in the hallway, the two seconds I saw. Why, yes, I was supremely jealous.

"Yeah, dude. It's a pool party, be sure to be there!" Josh grinned at me.

"I'll be there, Captain." I did a cute little salute.

Then Josh walked away and I harassed the PC as to why they hadn't told me this bit of info. "I tried," Kristen began, "but you were too busy sulking about what Dylan said that you didn't want to talk to me. Then you declared Alicia your biffle and did your Biffle Ritual."

"What? Why don't I remember this?" I protested.

"Because you passed out from blood loss. It was chaos. Utter chaos. But you're good now." Kristen said smiling brightly. I looked at her odd. She's a weird one, for sure.

-

**I think this story will probably be over soon, assuming I don't forget about it.**


End file.
